of bm i guess. i mean, blogger wont allow ftp posting. i guess the history is here to stay for as long as our gracious host mas of infusionz is willing to keep us :)

but no, im not gona sign off meekly. i've realized, i havent ranted for too long. way too fucking long and because i haven't had an outlet to vent, im gona fucking do it here

what is there for me to rant about? its very simple, i'm fucking angry with my girlfriend and i can't tell her.

i guess there've been some displeasures lately between us but i think the climax was last Wed night

marcus turned 23 on thurs so he had a plan (lets not talk bout how late he was haha) and apparently, my gf told him she had to be home by 11, because marcus "understood" she had a curfew. so i asked her about it and she was like "nah, that's not a curfew. i just prefer to be home by 11 i guess"

so i asked her, "why?"

"because i'll be tired."

i think this was like a wtf moment for me. this caused me to retort, "oh, you'll be tired? you have class from like afternoon to 6pm and you'll be tired? i've got work from 8 to 6 and i''ve got to be up before 7 and i dont complain about being tired"

lets just say it wasnt a really bad arguement or anything but she was definitely pissed off with me

the next day, i threw a bitch fit at marcus at his bday (not a really wonderful present) and this didnt go down too well with my gf. well, she was still kinda pissed at me from the prev night and didnt really "warm up" to me till the end of the night

i guess i wasnt really too bothered because i did deserve that considering i was also being a bitch to her over the phone while waiting for them to come.

so at home, she's on msn and she was like "you've got an attitude problem"

"an anger management problem rather" i reply

we talk for a bit and she mentions "you never listen to me and its very straining"

now i do what im supposed to do: i stfu. she nudges. im like huh? shes like "why dont u say anything?"

"i have nothing to say"

"and so you'll do nothing?"

"what am i supposed to do?"

so she storms offline haha.. i wait for like 15mins and then i call her. and i wonder if i should have.

she ranted about me not meeting expectations. i asked her what expectations? she said u'd think i was superficial if i told u. i said why dont u think about what you want and let me know, because that'd be more fair

she ranted about wanting more from the relationship. she wanted more than just a companion

she ranted about the fact that it should take 1 year to judge whether a relationship is worth carrying on and touched on how long 1 year is.

she thought about what she ranted, and then said, maybe the fault lies with her.

she also ranted that i never "act appropriately". such as like, an example is, you don't show how much of a cunt you are to your boss right? so apparently, i dont act like how a boyfriend is supposed to act

i think that was the last remark that made me think "fuck this shit my patience is wearing thin"

that just set everything in motion.

i told her, its obvious that we both shared a different defintion of how a boyfriend was supposed to act because in my books, i think i was being as best of a bf as i could. and then it struck her, from how i told her, that she doesnt appreciate that.

things changed when we met on fri because she seemed more lovey dovey again. like we never had that conversation. and thats what pisses me off sometimes. girls say stuff and then they act lovey dovey and think they can get away with it

fucking. wrong.

before we met , she did sms me "are we gona talk about wat we discussed last night?"
and we did. i wonder why she even bothered asking when she clearly wasnt prepared

i asked her if she thought about the stuff she expects. she said not really. i said oh what a shame, then we have nothing to talk about. she said no, not really

she said, in terms of attitude problem, i could be a cheap bastard

i told her i'll admit that, i am a cheap bastard i wont deny that

"like u can be cheap to everyone else, can u not be cheap to me?"

she did mention this before, and so guess what? i paid for her movie, i paid for her fucking cappucino and didnt say shit and she tells me that

i let her know what i fucking paid for and didnt say shit so wtf is her problem

she starts crying

i duno how i felt la. maybe a bit guilty. but i knew i stopped the onslaught because in my head i already was gona tell her, "for somebody far from perfect, you really like to pick on people's flaws" till i noticed she was crying

thankfully, gabriel came at the right time. he was supposed to meet us for a coffee

after that we went for our movie and after she sent me home, she msged me saying "sorry for being hard on you :*"

like i said, my patience is wearing thin

i feel, like what i spoke with shah, that she doesnt want to end this. so i will have to end it

because she is expecting more than what i have to give and i am just not willing to go that extra mile and all that shit now

i will end it after her exams. after she pisses me off again because its just not nice to do it now. i fucking hope she doesnt piss me off again before her exams finish because i really am up to my neck

there's no future in this relationship because of my work. i dont think she wants her first boyfriend to be away all the time. if we stayed together, she probably will cheat on me. she used to say " i can survive without you" but cmon woman, u're full of contradictions

after all, we shouldn't waste our youth right? i really fully understand that - which is why its gona be impossible

im still angry

yet.. relieved. that we had to had that talk because it just really clears the air.

the problem is, i have a feeling she regrets and would prefer it to be "cloudy" again. recently she says i've seem to be treating her a bit more different. i really wish i could say just tell her "yeah you dont want just a companion"

we need to have sex so i can destroy her. no gentle sex. fucking pump and throw and fucking just wash up and watch tv after that. but i dont think angry sex would change anything, because mentally i just think this is destined to end soon

shes gona feel a change and start questioning me soon. i hope she doesnt because i know im at the state where my words are going to cut.

god...help me.

god , grant me the strength to accept the things i cannot change
the courage to change those that i can
and the wisdom to know the difference.